The Realities of Now

Giving up...

I don’t want to, I know I shouldn’t

yet I don’t know how not to either

Some say it’s a simple choice

others say it’s the easy way out

Does it matter what anyone says at this point?

Life does go on - of this I am sure...proof in the pudding - I’m not still crying - and it’s not even five o’clock yet - same day.

What does hopelessness look like?  is it what I see staring back at me in the mirror?

what does joyfulness feel like?  would I even recognize it at this point?

There is so much more to life - of this I am sure!  so many more important things, situations, stories, needs, you name it - I’m sure it matters more than this - yet here I am, here we are, again. and again. and again.

There’s a girl - so smart, funny and beautiful (- and she knows it!) who’s in the middle.  she sees what is happening around here.  how my heart aches for her.  how I know that feeling, how I loathe that feeling!  yet I am perpetuating that feeling once again.

Yet what can I do to stop it?  Oh I’m sure I can do something - praise God I am not helpless after all - truly, I can walk, stand, think, type, eat, all of this I am thankful for.  

But this?  Though there is so much more - bigger, harder, meaner, uglier...this, this is what I know, this is what we know, this has strangled us, has made us weak - yet are we strong in Him?  There are many things to praise God for - even in this - we’re not completely broken apart - we still wear the ring, share the same bed - amazing how apart it can seem!, share the costs, parent as best as we brokenly can....so yes, my heart can still choose to say “Lord Blessed be Your Name”

But it’s hard.

It hurts.

Too much.

This game I’m playing is called "Waiting".  I’d venture most of us play it once in a while.  Lately it seems like we’ve been doing marathons - hoping against hope that it will turn out in our favor.  But it isn’t.

We’ve got to believe there’s hope.  In my brain I know there is - my heart, my soul however, is sinking, I think his has already been sunk with dread.  

How can people go through this - I think I understand the realities of divorce - though that’s not still an option - mostly out of pure stubbornness I contend.

Somewhere through this darkness, I pray we’ll face the day.  We’ll see the morning light rise over the shadowy night - somewhere life will return.  I don’t know when.  Don’t know even how.  I don’t even feel how, or when, or even hope.  But I gotta believe.  Hanging on to Jesus is how we’ll succeed.  


Ephesians 3:20-21 (New Living Translation - NLT)
20 Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. 21 Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.

Intimacy Exposed

We can only get so far it seems, so far in the "getting along" spectrum, until all of a sudden, out of no where, we hit a wall.  We're left free falling into hurt & disbelief yet again, into hopeless despair.  Falling, falling, unsure when & where we will land - with the feeling sometimes of, "if" we land at all.  

What's our hold up?  I think it's all tied to sex.  And I think, there's way more to sex, than meets the eye - and our world.

Sex is supposed to be mutual, and both partners have an equal responsibility to one another to freely give of themselves to the other whenever the other so desires (See I Corinthians 7:3-5 here).  In this way, by mutual consent, each is deferring to the other, and it's a beautiful, unselfish picture of Godly love.

Instead of following God's plan for sex, we've cheapened it, we've misused it, we've degraded it and ourselves, to the point of disregarding sex and it's power in our relationship - and for that, we have suffered indeed.

The brick wall that we've created doesn't move - and since no one is willing to work to tear it down, it only gets reinforced after each failed attempt to uncover intimacy in its' truest form.

So, what exactly is intimacy, and what does it look like in marriage?  To begin with, let's agree that intimacy is something that is developed over time, not something that instantaneously happens once you marry.  To be intimate is to be deeply connected to the situation, person or place.  It is of a very personal nature, and is tends to be more private.

In relationships, intimacy begins taking shape on the first date, long before marriage is ever a possibility, and once it is determined the relationship contains substance, continues to grow & mature - if it is tended to well.  Note the caveat, if it is tended to well, not a guarantee that it will continue to grow.  It takes work, it takes serious effort, and determination - all of which tends to be lacking in our world today - and much closer to home, our marriage.

Intimacy - it could be a second glance while making dinner, a brush on the check as you pass by, an acknowledgment of the hard work done around the house - or a "code" word that makes you both giggle, with a knowing of what comes next.

So easy to write these things, yet so incredibly difficult to do them - not just once, twice, or even five times, but to do them, continuously.

If we can begin to work on the intimacy factor within our marriage, we'll begin to build a stronger, more secure base {because God is the foundation} which will allow us to add a second floor, then a third floor - and so on.  But it begins with intimacy, one glance, a kind word, a sacrificial act, touch, at a time.

And our hope - through all of this darkness is this "...being confident of this, that He {God} who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus..." Philippians 1:6.

If we didn't have this hope, we wouldn't be sharing this post with you, because there wouldn't be a "we" anymore.



      

Letting the Leader Lead, Part One

Every marriage needs a leader.  Someone who takes ultimate responsibility for both what happens in that marriage, as well as the overall direction of the marriage.  Leaders are appointed by God, who designed and created us, in His own image.  As such, God specifically appointed the man, the husband as the leader in the home.

Far too often however, it seems that women are the real leaders, the ones in charge.  In fact, it's so commonplace today that household knickknacks are sold with slogans like, "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy," or "Mom rules, just ask dad."  We laugh at it because we know it to be true.  It was true in the home that I grew up in, and there are days that it is true in the home I reside in now - if we don't watch it.

What does it take then, for the man to resume his God appointed role as Leader?  What defines a leader, and what deems one a "successful leader?"

In times of conflict, my husband often says to me, "who's leading who?" or, "Who's in charge around here anyway?"  If no one is following, then he is not, in fact, leading.

Following.  Being a good follower.  Letting the leader lead by having the follower, follow.  Not as easy as it seems.  See, I've not been a good follower, which probably leads to him not being a good leader...and the cycle is relentless, as you can probably imagine.

But what are some practical steps to becoming a good follower in marriage?  How can the wife not be the one calling all of the shots, and instead, acknowledge and honor God's appointed roles within marriage?  One night while trying to work through issues pertaining to this, my husband and I were able to identify three specific actions that if implemented, would help me to become a good follower.

I had to take notes, because it was that important to me, and after reviewing them, I named them:

The SEAL Method.

Today, I want to share with you the first step, the "S."  This one is so very important.  My husband pointed out, if I don't do this one, none of the others even matter!  This identifies the heart issues -  what's really going on inside.

1) S. = Submit to God

God is pretty clear in the roles of marriage found in Ephesians 5:21-33...conveniently titled "Instructions for Christians Households." Check it out here.

First, before God calls wives to submit to their husbands, {and yes, He does call wives to do that}, He points out that submission goes both ways in a marriage relationship, and that it is born out of our reverence for Christ.  To put it another way, submission comes from respect, and biblically, it is ultimately from our respect of Christ.

Philippians 2:5-11 gives a beautiful picture of exactly the kind of submission we should have:

"...In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

Who, being in very nature God, 

did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;

rather, he made himself nothing

by taking the very nature of a servant,

being made in human likeness.

And be found in appearance as a man,

he humbled himself

by becoming obedient to death - 

even death on a cross!

Therefore God exalted him to the highest place

and gave him the name that is above every name,

that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,

in heaven an don earth and under the earth,

and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,

to the glory of God the Father..." 

We didn't deserve that {and still don't}.  Yet, God did it anyway...born out of love for us, His creation.

Submitting to one another is just the beginning of our response to that kind of extreme love.  So as wives, not only do we need to submit to our husbands - but, and more importantly, we need to submit to God, in ALL areas of our life.

When I submit myself, my will, wants, desires, etc. to God, then by default, I am submitting to my husband - because it is something that God calls me to do...{and I should note here that there are instances where God says that a woman should not submit to her husband - if he is causing her to sin, or is directly opposing God's directive in her life are some of those instances.}

If I don't submit to God, then it's really impossible for me to truly submit to my husband.  There's this constant power struggle and though my husband is the leader, if I'm not satisfied with the way he's choosing to lead - and I'm not submitting to God...you'd better believe that I'm not submitting to my husband as well.  And we've been there - too many times to count....it's not a pretty picture.

I really want to be a good follower - for God's sake, as well as for my husband's sake.  To do that right, I need to submit to God.

These Lies We Believe

My husband sent me this email the other day:

"You are gorgeous, Leah. Your need for affirmation of that has gone unfilled. Please forgive me. As I said last night, you're hot."

Sounds wonderful, doesn't it?  Random, thoughtful, kind, loving and all of that.

You know what I gathered from it though?

"I'm just saying this because I have to, given our conversation last night, and I'm feeling guilty.  Therefore, I'm supposed to ask for forgiveness so I am."  

Not only that, but as I read those words, there was this voice raging through my head:  

"You are not gorgeous.  You are fat, you are ugly and you're gaining weight.  Don't believe what he's saying, it's a lie...its' not true...look at all you've done wrong in your relationship - when was the last time you were intimate?  There is no way that you're hot... He's lying.  You're ugly, fat and undesirable.  He's just saying that because he has to.  Don't believe it."

Take a stab at what voice I chose to believe.  

I'm guessing that I'm not the only one who believes untruths on a daily basis.  After all, I don't even see my thoughts as lies, until Derek points them out.

I've grown so accustomed to believing these daily lies, that when I'm faced with truth, I can't even accept it as such.  Instead, I twist truth around in my head to validate the lies I believe.

Derek made the observation that, because of my twisted thinking, he can't even compliment me. 

I'm not the only one believing the untruths either.  Derek has his own set of lies, unique to his struggles, that he has been believing as well.  Though he knows rationally that it just isn't true, the feelings are so intense that it's hard for him to recognize them for the lies they really are.

Wow.  How did we get to this point?

Galations 5:1-26 talks about the Freedom we have as believers in Christ.  Check it out here.  The beginning of the passage states that:

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.  Stand firm, then and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery..."  

Freedom from all that so easily entraps and entangles us {the passage calls it "a yoke of slavery"}, including these lies we believe. 

I was letting myself "be burdened again by a yoke of slavery" in the form of lies that I have believed about myself - some of which have been prevailing for years.  Lies that tell me I'm only pretty if I weigh a certain number, have white teeth, a clear complexion, wear the right clothing, smell the right way etc. - all things that are unattainable for me and because I can't achieve that level of "beauty," make me consistently feel unlovable, undesirable, and unwanted.

Reading this passage reminds me that none of that matters.  I have freedom in Christ.  This freedom that doesn't depend on physical standards of beauty, or any other lies I might find myself believing in, but depends solely on "faith expressing itself through love."

When Christ came, he paid the penalty of my sins and thereby made a way for me to be reunited with God - if I so choose.  No longer am I held to a certain standard of beauty or ability, or anything - rather, because of Christ in me, I am free - truly free.  But when I choose to believe lies, I become tied to them,  and am able to experience neither the freedom that Christ has called me to, nor His love.

You know, this stuff doesn't just happen over night either.  Sometimes it takes years in the making.  Further in the passage Paul writes:

"You were running a good race.  Who cut in on you to keep you from obeying the truth?  That kind of persuasion does not come from the one who calls you....I am confident in the Lord that you will take no other view.  The one who is throwing you into confusion, whoever that may be, will have to pay the penalty..."

It all begins with a simple, untrue thought that isn't "captured." (See 2 Corinthians 2:5)  Then, it slowly resonates in our minds, over and over, growing and festering like a cancer.  The longer it lingers, is thought about, isn't dealt with, it takes root.  When we're faced with situations that expose the original sinful thought, it defensively grows stronger.  It fights to maintain its existence as truth.  Eventually, if it is never uprooted biblically, we trick ourselves in believing lies and are unable to decipher the truth.  This is Satan's Trojan Horse - a tool he uses with me often.

What began as:

"I'm not pretty enough," over the years grew into, "No one can truly love me"  and because of that, "my husband doesn't really mean what he's saying..."

I wonder what would happen if instead of letting these voices resonate in our heads, we spoke these untruths out loud to others?  Would we, if we were honest with one another, recognize the irrationality of these lies we believe?  Would that in turn bring freedom from the lies?  Would we be able to give them to God?

What about you?  Are there lies that you've been tied to?  Lies that are so embedded that you can't experience God's truth?

The Bible [Truth] states "it is for freedom that Christ has set us free..."  If we are in Christ, we are free.  Anything that contradicts that is a lie.  Period.

Let your yes be yes...

Meaning what you say, and saying what you mean.  Really, it's that simple.  And that complicated.  All in one.

Or maybe it isn't.

See, if you're like me at all, you've lived accustomed to creating "justifications" for actions that are just plain wrong.

Case in point:

My husband is very good at calling me out on certain things I've said.  Just the other night in fact, I said a stupid, come back comment, reacting to something he said [aka, me reacting to not getting my way].  And he called me on it, after a moment of silence.

He asked, "Was that meant to encourage me, or was that meant as the opposite?"

I thought for a moment.  Relived the words I had just spoken, the scenario surrounding the words just spoken, and...{having to be honest here, because I was only given two choices, a "yes" and a "no"}, I concluded that what I had just spoken out-loud was not encouraging.  Which then led my brain to deduce that it must equal discouraging, given the specific question I was posed.

"The opposite."

Silence.  or to be more accurate. Acute, deafening silence.

Now, let me interject here for just a moment.

You see, in my defense, if he had given me more options, why then, of course, I would have chosen something other than what I had, but alas, I was only given two choices, a black and white option if you will.  And I most certainly am not black and white.   

Which is why it makes sense that I answered the way I did,  and why my answer would have changed had I not been so constricted in my options to choose from...Or does it?

And that is precisely my point.

You see, I forgot that the Bible calls me to "let my yes be yes and my no, no" (See Matthew 5:37).  I all too often get caught up in the excuse of why I behaved a certain way, said a certain thing, rather than just owned up to my sin.

That's right, I called it my sin.  Sin in that I am not being completely honest - my "yes" isn't my "yes," nor is my "no" my "no."

It's easy to think (trust me, I do it often) that I just can't help it, because that's just who am I, who God made me to be, and therefore, there's no other alternative...

{and perhaps in thinking that, one could argue that I'm actually blaming God for the way I am, rather than owning up to my own sinfulness}

But that is also foolishness, and getting defensive about the situation.  I've learned that when I get defensive, it's really me getting prideful.

The bible might not talk a ton about getting defensive per-say, but it sure has a lot to say about pride.  (See Obadiah 1:3, 2 Chronicles 26:16, Psalm 10:4, 59:12, Proverbs 11:2, 13:10, 16:5,18-19, 18:12,29:23, Ecclesiastes 7:8, Isaiah 2:11-12, 13:11, 13:19, 1 Corinthians 13:4 just to name a few)

What about you?  Do you find yourself sliding into excuse mode more often than not, rather than just confessing your sin?  Are you great at creating justifications for unexcusable behavior?  Do you let your "yes" be "yes" and your "no" be "no?"

What happens when "happily ever after" isn't happy anymore? Part 2

So, you've reached a point in your marriage that you never thought you'd reach...and it's going the complete opposite direction both of you want to be going, and yet, you don't know how to stop the out of control spiral it's become.

We have...and we're working through it. There's so much advice out, some good, some not so good and some just down right bad.

What do you do? I so appreciate those of you who have commented, shared your experiences and stories. I think that much of the answer is exactly that...sharing stories, encouraging each other to keep on keeping on.

My husband and I have already done a number of different things. And we're still trying to get "there" - whatever and wherever "there" is. We've:

• Met with our pastor
• Done Biblical Counseling
• Prayed 
• Cried
• Stopped believing there was hope
• Started believing in hope again
• Connected, momentarily, and then disconnected again 
• Searched the scriptures 

And all these things are good. But I dare say, they're not the end all, be all. We're learning that this thing we call marriage, is so much more than a word, than an act, even than a vow.

It's a picture of Christ. It's a picture of His bride, the Church [universally].

And when you put it in that context, well, no wonder its so difficult!

All you have to do is look at your own (my own) relationship to Christ, to begin to understand how difficult, awe inspiring, and unachievable this calling, this "marriage" really is.

Yet, there's hope. Still, hope. Look at Christ. Look at His love, even though, even still, even when it all seems to be falling apart.

He is still there. He still cares, still calls, still forgives, still loves.

Can you see it? Can you believe it? We're in the midst of it, and trust me, the view is blurry at best, but we will continue to try and "get it", whatever that means. Because we are clinging, desperately so, to hope.

And you? What's going on in your relationship? Are you here too? Have you overcome? Have you begun to "get it," and if so, what exactly was it that you got? I'd love to hear from you!

What happens when "happily ever after" isn't happy anymore? Part 1

Five years into it and my husband might argue that we're father behind then when we started. What gives?

Did we ever think that we too, would fall captive to the mundane life of marriage? Or that someday we would find ourselves dreading the end of the day because we would have to see each other? Not in a million years.

But we did. And we have. Even though we said we never would.

We went so far as to think that we knew better than all those who went before us, and that our relationship was so grounded that we would never get to that point.

We were wrong.

So here we are, licking our wounds, and reeling in shock of what was once considered "impossible."

Have you ever felt that way? Not only having nothing in your marriage go right, but add to that the pure shock that you're even in that position? Ever found yourself saying, "I never thought that it would happen to me?"

So what do you do about it? What do we (my husband and I) do about it? Settle for this, lose hope of anything better?

Though, there are times when that is precisly what we feel like doing, and maybe we even act on that for a while, we know that, as Christians, we're not called to live based on our feelings, as difficult as that might be.

So what then? What about you? What do you do about it? How o you keep from letting it get the best of you, your spouse & your marriage? Let's begin the conversation...