The Realities of Now

Giving up...

I don’t want to, I know I shouldn’t

yet I don’t know how not to either

Some say it’s a simple choice

others say it’s the easy way out

Does it matter what anyone says at this point?

Life does go on - of this I am sure...proof in the pudding - I’m not still crying - and it’s not even five o’clock yet - same day.

What does hopelessness look like?  is it what I see staring back at me in the mirror?

what does joyfulness feel like?  would I even recognize it at this point?

There is so much more to life - of this I am sure!  so many more important things, situations, stories, needs, you name it - I’m sure it matters more than this - yet here I am, here we are, again. and again. and again.

There’s a girl - so smart, funny and beautiful (- and she knows it!) who’s in the middle.  she sees what is happening around here.  how my heart aches for her.  how I know that feeling, how I loathe that feeling!  yet I am perpetuating that feeling once again.

Yet what can I do to stop it?  Oh I’m sure I can do something - praise God I am not helpless after all - truly, I can walk, stand, think, type, eat, all of this I am thankful for.  

But this?  Though there is so much more - bigger, harder, meaner, uglier...this, this is what I know, this is what we know, this has strangled us, has made us weak - yet are we strong in Him?  There are many things to praise God for - even in this - we’re not completely broken apart - we still wear the ring, share the same bed - amazing how apart it can seem!, share the costs, parent as best as we brokenly can....so yes, my heart can still choose to say “Lord Blessed be Your Name”

But it’s hard.

It hurts.

Too much.

This game I’m playing is called "Waiting".  I’d venture most of us play it once in a while.  Lately it seems like we’ve been doing marathons - hoping against hope that it will turn out in our favor.  But it isn’t.

We’ve got to believe there’s hope.  In my brain I know there is - my heart, my soul however, is sinking, I think his has already been sunk with dread.  

How can people go through this - I think I understand the realities of divorce - though that’s not still an option - mostly out of pure stubbornness I contend.

Somewhere through this darkness, I pray we’ll face the day.  We’ll see the morning light rise over the shadowy night - somewhere life will return.  I don’t know when.  Don’t know even how.  I don’t even feel how, or when, or even hope.  But I gotta believe.  Hanging on to Jesus is how we’ll succeed.  


Ephesians 3:20-21 (New Living Translation - NLT)
20 Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. 21 Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.